


Oh, Why Can't We Talk Again?

by emeraldcitydowntowngirl



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, M/M, Open Ending, Unrequited Love, of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 09:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5579860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emeraldcitydowntowngirl/pseuds/emeraldcitydowntowngirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They sit in silence for a while, just smoking together, before Z reaches over Ryan’s fragile body and slips his phone in his hands. “You should call him. I’ll be right here” </p><p>It’s so pathetic- because Ryan still has Brendon’s contact in his phone, and it’s saved under “brendon yuri” and it’s so stupid and it’s inside jokes and every time Ryan passes it in his contact list, he always lingers on it- to delete it, to call him, even to look at the picture of them together in the contact picture. But this time he does it, he clicks his contact name.</p><p>And then he presses call.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh, Why Can't We Talk Again?

**Author's Note:**

> this was saved since forever, so im just now posting it. i know its a commonly used prompt, but idk. it's a great prompt
> 
> title from the song "hanging on the telephone"

It’s kind of pathetic. Scratch that, it’s extremely pathetic. It’s extremely pathetic that Ryan, in his best friend’s bed with no underwear on, feels the urge to call Brendon. His finger itches towards his phone, and he stares at it, wishing and praying to whatever God is up there for it to ring, for it to be Brendon’s voice.

They weren’t kidding when they said that alcohol and drugs would ruin his life. Hell, his own father was proof that alcohol would ruin his life. Ryan blames the alcoholism on genetics (and Pete Wentz), and he tells himself that he would always end up where he always ended up- Z’s bed, naked, surrounded by _drugs._

Z’s bed smells like marijuana and her perfume, and the shampoo she uses in her hair, and nothing in the world makes Ryan feel more ill, and nothing in the world makes his skin crawl even more.

Although, hearing his former band’s new music makes him want to puke too- it’s not his music, but it’s under the name he thought of.

Every fiber in his being wants to curse Brendon Urie- Brendon Urie got adoring fans, a loving fiancé, he got to play to sold out shows with bands that Ryan used to listen to religiously. It makes him feel absolutely disgusting, yet he still craves Brendon and wants his voice and wants his body and wants everything horrible about Brendon because it’d be still be Brendon at the end of the day.

He feels Z stir next to him and he pulls his hand close to his chest, before turning on his side, envisioning short, choppy brown hair instead of curly blonde locks, but Z turns over to face him, and he just makes a face and scrunches his nose at her. Despite wanting to be anywhere else, Z’s still the closest friend Ryan has. Brendon took Spencer with him, and Jon doesn’t want to talk to him anymore, not after _The Young Veins_ went so horribly wrong.

She grabs two cigarettes, and hands one to Ryan before lighting his. There’s nothing greater than smoking at 3 in the morning on an empty stomach- his entire body is numb, but he sits up, and blows smoke into the air. He wonders if Brendon still smokes cigars, wonders if Zach still tries to get the best kind of cigars in whatever area they’re in.

“Are you still thinking about him?” He hears her soft voice, and he turns to look at her. She’s not wearing a bra nor a shirt, but it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before. “Are _you_ still thinking about him” He asks back, as Z rolls her eyes “When am I not?” “Touché”

Ryan almost says that Brendon’s a fever he can’t sweat out, but when he tries to say it, bile just rises instead- every time Brendon performs _Camisado_ live, Ryan wants to shoot himself.

_Can't take the kid from the fight_

_Take the fight from the kid_

Not because he’s bitter or whatever, that’s more about Brendon performing under his goddamn name, it’s about the purpose. Brendon sings about Ryan’s own dead father on a stage and a bunch of kids sing it back to him, and Ryan sits at home and drinks cheap wine and tries not to take a knife and slit his wrists.

“You should call him. You never know what he would do” Z says, but both of them know exactly what would happen- Brendon would hang up on him and block his number.

“I want to go on vacation” Ryan says out of the blue (a familiar jingle pops in his head- _I need to take a vacation_. He wills the thought out of his head before he starts thinking about Jon again. How badly he screwed Jon over)

“You don’t have money to take a vacation” She says, before shrugging “Although, no one seems stop buying AFYCSO” She pronounces the abbreviation of the album’s name as “Ah-fis-co”, and it stopped bothering Ryan a long time ago- the title is too long for him too. “Yeah, but that’s drug money”

They sit in silence for a while, just smoking together, before Z reaches over Ryan’s fragile body and slips his phone in his hands. “You should call him. I’ll be right here”

It’s so pathetic- because Ryan still has Brendon’s contact in his phone, and it’s saved under “brendon yuri” and it’s so _stupid_ and it’s inside jokes and everytime Ryan passes it in his contact list, he always lingers on it- to delete it, to call him, even to look at the picture of them together in the contact picture. But this time he does it, he clicks his contact name.

And then he presses call.

His breath hitches as the line rings, and he can hear Z’s harsh breathing next to him, like she can’t believe he did it. Ryan can’t believe it either. The line keeps ringing and just as Ryan goes to end the call, he hears a voice he didn’t expect to hear.

“Who is this?” It’s _Zach._

Zach probably answered Brendon’s phone because it was an unknown number- it’s a little sad that Ryan has Brendon’s number saved, and Brendon doesn’t have his, but that’s how it is. Brendon doesn’t make any effort to make contact, and Ryan just looks like the pathetic loser who is hungover calling his ex. Wait, yeah, that is him.

“Uh… hi” Ryan says a little uneasy, as Z bites her lip and looks at Ryan with a look that whispers “This wasn’t a good idea”

“Who?” Zach sounds… well, Zach always sounds vaguely pissed off, even though he’s a good guy at heart. Ryan wants to bury himself in pillows, but it’s too late now.

“Ryan” He manages to get out, and he hears a surprised sound on the other line. “Ryan? Why are you calling?” He sounds accusatory, like ‘ _What the hell did you do?”_ and ‘ _What drugs are you on’_

“I… uh… Is Brendon there?” Z lies back on the bed, clearly distraught at how idiotic Ryan sounds. She continues to smoke, watching Ryan's skinny back, watching how his spine protrudes from his back. 

“Brendon is here. Why are you calling?” He can faintly here in the background “Zach? Who’s calling?” and _fuck,_ that can’t be Brendon because his voice has changed but he knows it’s him and Ryan wants to tear his vocal chords out.

“I wanted to talk. Or something. I’m sorry” He hears Zach say in a hushed voice “It’s _Ryan”_ and he hears Brendon’s velvet voice “Ryan? What the fuck, give that to me” “Brendon, I don’t-“ “ _Zach”_

"Hello?"

God, Ryan could cry. Brendon's voice feels like home, like the only thing Ryan has left in this fucking world. And yet, he took that voice for granted. Stupid, stupid.

"Bren. Hi" It's the only thing Ryan can say, because "I'm so fucking sorry, I love you so much" gets caught in his throat, like it always has. His stomach aches, like he has butterflies in them, but it's like cockroaches instead- he feels disgusting and sick and his skin crawls, because he doesn't want to be here, just wants to be in Brendon's arms.

"Um... why are you calling?" Brendon's voice is level, but Ryan knows him well- Brendon sounds like he's going to cry. He doesn't blame him.

"I miss your voice. I miss you" Ryan whispers, looking back to Z. It feels too intimate for her to be here, but she's asleep on the bed, her cigarette in a flowery ashtray on the bedside table

"You can't do this, Ryan. I'm getting married" Brendon, again, says in that leveled voice, although 'married' comes out like a whine. He's getting married to fucking Sarah Orzechowski. Ryan wants to feel happy for him, for them, but he's selfish. So selfish.

"I... I know. But I miss you, I miss the band-" "It's too late for that, _fuck_ , you're 3 years fucking late, Ryan" Neither of them are sure what Ryan's too late for- missing him, or the band. Or maybe both. Ryan's heard the new Panic! stuff, knows Brendon's little references to him. Knows that Brendon used the verse of "Nearly Witches" that Ryan wrote.

"I know! Fuck, you don't think I know that? I fucking miss you, okay?!" Ryan can't help but yell, before he quiets down- Brendon hates when he yells

"I hate when you fucking yell" Knew it. Brendon sounds sad, regretful, like he wants to hang up now, but he can't bring himself to do it. Ryan can't either.

"I'm sorry. You don't know how  _sorry_ I am-" Ryan begins to say, bringing the cigarette up to his lips and glancing at the time. 3:44 AM. 

"Sorry isn't going to cut it anymore, Ryan. Do you understand? You... you ruined my confidence and everything and I had to do everything by myself because you left me, Ryan. You left me, you can't call me at 4 in the morning and ask for... ask for things!" 

He just takes another drag, and falls back on the bed, the phone pressed close to his ear. If he hangs up now, he'll never call again. That sounds inviting, but he at least owes the man he loves this.

"I know. It was a mistake. Everything was a mistake, I regret everything, I regret ever doubting you. I love-" "No. Don't say it" Brendon begs, his voice sounding wet. Ryan hears an angry sniffle on the other line. "-I love you. Present tense"

"Fuck you, Ryan. Oh my god, fuck you. I'm getting married" This time, Brendon's straight begging. It reminds Ryan of when Brendon was begging Ryan to say those same exact words. And now he's begging him not to say them.

"I know. I just... I had to let you know. I love you, Brendon. Fuck, I love you so much, everything was a mistake, I regret it, I regret it" "Yeah, me too. I loved you, Ryan. But you... you screwed me over so bad and you walked  _all over me,_ and... and I have to go now. I'm sorry. I love you too" The ending comes out rushed, but it's all Ryan needed to hear.

"I love you" Ryan whispers, and he hardly hears Brendon repeat it back to him, before hanging up.

He falls asleep watching the moon- he finds comfort in the fact that Brendon's probably staring at it too. It's the only thing they'll ever share right now, and he never wants the moon to fall, wants to keep this nonexistent moment preserved forever

 _hey moon, please forget to fall down, hey moon, don't you go down_  

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to "northern downpour" when i wrote the last part so i had to add a lil bit of that in there. sorry.


End file.
